My health journey has been going surprisingly well overall. Well, that is if you do not include days like this weekend.
I often post about my journey. Before and after photos, non scale victories, sayings that help keep me motivated and recipes I enjoy, spill off the news feeds of my social media pages. To someone who catches pieces of these feeds it may appear that I am consistent and on fire. It may look to you that I am strong and disciplined, that I am working my plan in perfection. It may seem that I have things together. I would love for this to be true. For this snapshot of the pieces of my life to be the truth of my reality. Each day I strive for perfection, to not make mistakes, to stay the course and make others and myself proud. Inside me there is such a strong yearning to do things “right”, to not mess up. When I do not get something exactly right I feel shame. My face turns a fire engine red, I feel the blood rushing up relentlessly. My stomach sinks to that empty but tossy, turney, feeling you get when going down a big hill on a roller coaster, my hands begin to sweat and I completely clam up.
I am a work in progress. It is still extremely hard to share the thoughts that are in my head. It is hard to be honest and say, I messed up today and I consciously chose to go to Taco Bell and follow it with a large bowl of popcorn and a dark chocolate bar. Not one of those little ones either, the big ones. You know, the ones that are almost $3 a bar. Did I mention that most of the time the popcorn and chocolate bar are being eaten in bed between the hours of 10 pm and midnight? You know what is even harder than sharing these choices? Dealing with the fact that I made them. I previously mentioned that I am working to overcome perfectionism, right? The feeling of shame that I mentioned above when I do not do something “right” wells up in me every time. I think to myself, “Faith you are better than this. You know that these choices are not going to lead you to your goals. Why do you have to be so weak? Why do you give in? How are you going to inspire anyone when you keep failing!”
Do you know what happens then? Then, an awful cycle ensues where I eat to make myself feel better. To boost those endorphins and get a rush of dopamine. The next morning when I step on the scale the shame and disappointment continue. Now, I am 3 to 5 pounds heavier than I was the day before and have to lose it all over again. Then, that previous conversation repeats. This time though, because we are at the start of the day and I am feeling strong and not weakened from a full day of making decisions on whether or not I am going to eat this or that, working and figuring out when and how to work in some exercise I am more positive and feel stronger. I am determined that today is going to be different. Today, I will remain strong. Today, I will eat all 5 of my fuelings and my lean & green. Today, I will choose me. I will choose my working towards my goals. I will not give in to the temptations that surround me. I will not let my emotions be stronger than my reasons for wanting to get healthy in the first place.
One of the biggest things that I have been learning through my journey is that I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to get everything right. And I certainly do not need to hide my faults from those that care about me. My friends and family love me faults and all. There is no one out there that I need to impress. In fact, I am finding out that the more I let people see the “messy” side of me, the more they can relate to me and the more they are willing to let me see their “messy”. Relationships are increasing and deepening. Even more than that, I know when someone else shares their “messy” with me and how they get through it, it helps me to get through my mess.
Fueling Faith Now 